Pretty much…how do you know when “enough” is “enough?”
It’s like you’ve been sitting at this fork in the road of your life, and you just can’t decide. You have the two options: 1. Keep doing what you’re doing or 2. Change.
Continuing straight is staying married. Veering right is divorce. But, as you know, change is scary, so you start reasoning with yourself and listing all of the reasons why you should “stick with it.”
Ehhh, I just don’t know. I haven’t been married that long. Maybe I need to give it more time.
I’m scared to start over.
I’m scared to be alone.
Allllll the money we just spent on our wedding. I literally just sent out the fucking thank you cards for God’s sake. :/
What will people say?
And…(*in a small voice*) I want a baby… <–I can’t tell you how many times I thought this. The fear of waiting too long with my “biological clock ticking,” or not finding anyone else to have kids with altogether. Not to mention the idea that maaaaaybe, just maybe, having a baby would “fix” our problems.
But the question is WHEN do we move from the “reasoning to stay” stage to the “ready to divorce” stage?
Here’s the thing. I don’t know. I can’t give you a timeframe. You could hang out at this particular fork in the road for the rest of your life if you aren’t careful. What I do know is that in order to change, something HAS to happen in order for you to make the decision to change your status quo.
Something I like to call…the breaking point.
An event that FINALLY makes you realize that you deserve “more.” And you’re never going to get “more” by staying where you are.
Everyone’s breaking point is different and happens at different times. But the result is always the same. And after realizing this, any self-respecting person is forced to change.
Before the breaking point, percentage-wise, you may be 51% stay and 49% leave. But you can’t underestimate that 1%. All else equal, you’d rather stay put because things are better where you are, even if it’s only by a measly 1%. But once you’ve hit your breaking point, the scale tips, and it goes to 51% (or higher) leave and 49% (or lower) stay.
Once you’ve hit the breaking point, the pain associated with your current situation is worse than the fear of facing the unknown.
In reference to my divorce, it was a text message from him where I was informed that he would not be home for dinner that night because he was going to a football game…in Georgia.
And he was already on the road.
That was it. That text message was my breaking point. It was the 1% change that made me veer right.
Did a text message end my marriage?
No. As I’m sure you know, it takes a minute to get to the “Maybe we should divorce” conversation. And it doesn’t happen until you’ve had a series of shitty instances where reality is consistently not meeting either of y’all’s expectations, and one or both of you have reason to believe that it never will.
So, while the text message did not end the marriage, the text message was the last straw. The last straw that broke my will and desire to keep trekking on this path.
It was the pivotal moment where I now knew three things about our relationship.
- The counseling wouldn’t work.
- My dad (one of my best friends in the world who passed away the year before) would never want this life for me.
And most importantly…
- I could make it on my own. (I even killed a cockroach that fucking night to prove it. As if the Universe wanted to give me a test to show me I was capable…)
This breaking point created a complete mental shift inside me.
Where I went from “only lasting 2.5 years” to “2.5 years is way better than waiting 10 years and two kids later.” And “the guilt from alllllllll the money that was spent on throwing a wedding” to ” I’m grateful that I, at least, had a wedding where my dad was able to walk me down the aisle before he passed away.” And “I’m embarrassed and worried about what people think” to “I would rather deal with the pity and judgement from my Facebook friends than put my happiness on the back burner for one more minute.”
Don’t get me wrong. After I made the decision, I did turn around (several times) and seriously question my choice to veer right. Just because you’ve hit the breaking point does NOT mean the path is easy OR crystal clear.
This whole idea of feeling 100% certain that this is the right decision….well that’s kinda bullshit. That may never happen.
But once you’ve hit the breaking point of “I’m worth more,” you have to realize that you’re the only person who is going to fight for you.
And that’s when you know enough is enough.