Fuck 2020

Fuck 2020

Yep, I said it. Fuck 2020. I’m tired of looking at this year glass half full. I don’t know about you, but this year has…SUCKED.

I know, I know. I should be super grateful for all of these things. I’m alive and COVID didn’t kill me, and I AM glad I’m not a poor woman living in a third world country with a husband who beats her. 

YES, I’m fucking grateful.

But that doesn’t mean that this year hasn’t sucked.

I have a weird relationship with Femstrong right now. (Yes, I can have a weird relationship with a blog.) Mainly because this blog is all about being a badass woman who does ALL the things to live a bitchin’ life and not depending on ANYONE to support her. And right now, I find myself with my photography business chopped off at the knees after my move to Denver last year with the pandemic pretty much killing off everything I had left. 

And, yes, to answer that unspoken question. I am being supported by my husband to make ends meet. I hate it, and yet I’m appreciative. Thank God he’s not a dick about it.

But it’s not like I’ve been sitting around scratching my ass for the last year. I’ve been throwing shit at the wall trying to figure out what sticks to keep this business going, make money, and still be happy (aka- appease that ego).

I feel like I’m failing.

I feel like my business is failing.

And it’s like I’m watching everything I’ve worked for years to build, turn to sand and slip right through my fingers. 

It doesn’t feel Femstrong at all.

It’s messy. Sad. Uncomfortable. And vulnerable.

Which is the only kind of Femstrong I can offer right now – the real shit…unsugarcoated.

I’m fucking tired of the people who are fake positive online and on social media. For the people who are all “2021 is going to be great.” “I turned my lemons into lemonade.” “2020 was a blessing in disguise.” I have a message for you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you and everything you have to say that discounts how absolutely DEVASTATING this year has been for the hundreds of thousands who have died and the millions who have lost their job or their business. And for everyone else whose life has completely flipped on its head just trying to stay above water.

And I won’t even get into the systemic racism that plagues our country. I mean, it’s not like we just found out about it in 2020, but it’s like people actually started *seeing* the injustice this year.

Fuck 2020. For so many reasons.

It has left me missing my family, feeling so isolated, scared of the next year for my business, and actually recovering from COVID myself.

For others who are in similar situations, I feel you.

Like I said, it’s uncomfortable. It’s the kind of situation where you want to say something to fix it and make the pain go away, but that kind of thing doesn’t really exist right now. So you just have to sit with it.

If you’ve ever been in grief, you know that feeling. Where someone says to you, “I’m sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace.” But in reality, those words mean nothing. It’s just something for them to say to alleviate that discomfort for them.

Well, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to give a fake…maybe it will get better. I’m sorry 2020 was bad for you.

I’m here for it.

2020 sucked balls. That’s the only thing there is to say. I’m here for you. I want to make this situation go away for everyone, but it’s out of my hands. So the most I can do is virtually hold your hand and say that you’re not alone.

All we can do is all we can do. Take it one day at a time and don’t give up.

Till next time.



PS: Here’s a great song that expresses my sentiments so perfectly. Enjoy.

hey I’m Madison!

I’m a 29 year-old divorced wedding photographer (gotta love the irony there). This is my journey to becoming an independent and badass chick, who refuses to settle. Travel, money, divorce, sex, and all the emotional shit that comes in between.... Maybe, in the past, these are topics I would have tried to sweep under the rug, but I figured it was time to stop apologizing for who I am and what I like. That’s part of being FemStrong.