Greetings, you body rocker bitches. Hellllllllll yeah. Can you tell what the topic will be for today??
Yes, I know. It’s been waaaaaaaay more of a foreva than last time’s foreva since I posted a new blog. Honestly, it’s been foreva since I’ve come up for air from this whirlwind summer romance that I thought only existed in country songs….
Which has been awesome, don’t get me wrong. Butttt, I’ve taken a complete break from my personal development as life gets busy or is just too good to stop, reflect, learn, and then write about it. I don’t want to think back and dissect what went wrong in my marriage. I don’t feel the need to meditate every morning. I don’t want to find the willpower to say “No, I can’t go out tonight because I’m busy doing some personal stuff.” I don’t want to fix my bad habits. I really just want to do fun things and sing all summer.
Which is fine…until it’s not summer anymore.
Sure, things are good now, but I have to remind myself that that’s not reliable. What’s going to happen when life gets turned upside-down again? Shit happens. Life happens. And I really don’t want to hit rock bottom, overflowing with shit sandwiches full of life lessons to learn because I put my self-care routines on the backburner.
But today, I had a spark. A breath of fresh air.
I took some time for myself that was very slow and quiet of all the chatter. No phone attached to my hand. No work email open. And no boyfriend around. It was just me. Drinking coffee, sitting on my couch, reading a magazine, and giving myself some time to think.
And, here’s where I’m at. Always, like in life, the goals and content are subject to change. Femstrong is a living and breathing journal from me to you. Strong, proud, and really fucking REAL. I want to talk about divorce. I want to talk about relationships. I want to talk about business and travel. But the reality is that I’m not single anymore, and the single girl diary days are off the table.
And because of that, I’ve been having this fear of not being perceived as a strong, independent, and badass single lady. A fear that I’ll be judged as a hypocrite because I’m all about being FEMSTRONG, but maybe not being single means that I’m not being FEMSTRONG enough. *Cough #codependentfears cough*. And it is this fear of being too scared of what people will say or think about me that has totally prevented me from writing anything at all.
And not writing makes me feel guilty- like I’m letting myself and everyone down.
Really, it’s just been a big roundabout of: 1. Not being femstrong enough, so I don’t feel like I have anything to write about. 2. Not writing. 3. Feeling guilty about not writing. 4. Actually not being femstrong. And, over we go.
But today, I remembered that being Femstrong is about not giving TWO fucks about how people perceive you. (One small fuck, maybe, but CERTAINLY not two.) I don’t need random people to think that I’m strong and independent. I just need to actually be strong and independent, and the rest will work itself out.
So now, the guilty feeling of not writing is replaced with the DESIRE to discuss something that has been weighing on me.
Which leads me to what I want to talk about today.
Weight. Body image. Health. Fat. Diet. Exercise.
All of the above. As in I’m adding this as a new section to the blog because it’s important to me.
Health isn’t something that I’ve talked about in the past.
1. Because my weight is where I feel the most vulnerable, the most judged, the most unloved, the weakest, and the least Femstrong of all. (Which pretty much means that this topic needs to be front and center.)
2. I never wanted this to be one of those blogs. One of those transformational blogs where I tell you about my weight loss success, show you some before and after photos, and say shit like “if I can do it, then by George, SO CAN YOU.” Those just make me feel worse about myself, like I’m never doing enough. I don’t want to count my calories, journal everything I eat, and post a bunch of pinterest recipes.
I don’t want to show you my “fat” pictures, my “skinny” pictures, OR my “sweaty” selfies to keep myself accountable. Not to mention, there will always be someone bigger who thinks you just don’t appreciate where you are or someone smaller who just doesn’t get why you can’t wear a size 4.
I don’t want to sell you on my plans to lose weight, and I’m not going to be discussing my “weight loss” journey.
Here’s what I want!
I want to LOVE myself for where I fucking am NOW.
I want to feel pretty. I want to not cringe when I see a photo of myself. Hell yes, I want to go to a club on Friday night and OWN this tight black dress I’m sporting. I want to let my boyfriend compliment my body and not deny his words. And I want to forgive my ex husband for not saying those words enough.
But even more, I want to say the words I need to hear for myself and MEAN THEM.
I want to look in the mirror and say, “Hot fucking damn, Madison. You’re a sexy bitch.” And I want…y’all, this is a big one, I WANT to live in the NOW. Because where I was 8 months ago, 4 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago is irrelevant. I am where I am, and I need to feel gratitude for where I am now and have the belief and strength that I can change moving forward.
I want to be healthy. Of course, I want to fit into my skinny jeans. And you better believe that I want to be physically strong. I want to do all of the things that get me to that point.
But it HAS TO START WITH ME. It has to start with the words I tell myself, the way I look at myself, the goals I set, and the sacrifices I make.
“I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and the courage very much. And -when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t — that doesn’t please me, then I have to deal with that.” -Maya Angelou
Yes, losing weight is the goal, but I am very concerned with how I look at Madison. Because at the end of the day, I’m her number one fan.
And I want Madison to realize that she’s sexy. Worth it. Pretty. Confident. Capable. A fucking catch.
If only losing 15 pounds could encapsulate all of that.
Loving myself through this process…that’s a journey. The journey I want to talk about. And it’s called Femstrong.
Till next time.